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Don’t Make These 9 Mistakes When Having an Affair

by Aug 12, 20190 comments

Affairs can be a tricky business. Whether you’re hiding the affair from just your main partner, or keeping it double blind, the clandestine element is often what makes it the most appealing. But it can be a lot to juggle. Here are a few mistakes you should be wary of if you’re planning your first affair:

Mistake #1: Keeping things too close

 If you’re going to have an affair, conduct it somewhere outside of your usual stomping grounds. It may sound convenient to sleep with someone you know from work, or a friend, possibly even a neighbor. All of these are very risky choices. Pick a casual sex partner that people wouldn’t connect you with and go somewhere you are unlikely to be seen by people you know. By sleeping with someone that is often nearby you tempt yourself and flirt with danger even more frequently. You might have them over when it’s not totally safe to do so, or share furtive touches in public places (like the workplace). For an affair to stay under wraps you must avoid this temptation


Mistake #2: Fool around with someone your partner knows

This situation just has disaster written all over it. Avoid guilty consciences and the possibility that your partner will put things together by having an affair with someone outside of your circle. Not only will it decrease your chances of getting caught but if you are caught sleeping with a friend of your partner then there is a much lower likelihood of reconciliation after the fact. It should go without saying to stay away from family and close friends but try to stay away from anyone that knows your primary partner. There are even affair dating sites set up for this exact reason, take advantage of them.

Mistake #3: Using your own phone (and primary social media accounts)

Keep your traceable connections to this person(s) to a minimum. This means using a second phone, one that is hidden well, to communicate with them and not having any connection with them on social media. Your cellphone is the first place a suspicious partner will check. Even if they aren’t suspicious, accidents can happen, messages could pop up on your lock screen, or risqué photos could pop up at an inopportune time. Our cellphones are an enormous part of our lives and they contain a lot of our secrets, keep this secret somewhere else.  

Mistake #4: Not communicating within the affair

Sure, the affair is fun and you think that you and your side piece on the same page: neither of you wants more than just a physically enjoyable casual encounter. Never assume this. Just like in any other relationship you have to constantly communicate where you are and check in with the other person. If you suspect that they want more, but you are not interested in leaving your primary partner, then end it immediately. It is important to do this before things go too far. Few things are worse for maintaining the secrecy of an affair than a former lover who feels as if they have been treated poorly.

Mistake #5: Displaying a drastic change in mood/temperament

Of course you are going to act a little happier, have a bit of pep in your step when the affair first starts. Why wouldn’t you? If you’re even contemplating an affair there is likely something limiting your happiness at home causing you to look elsewhere. Try to keep your emotions measured. Especially if you live with your primary partner, they are going to notice a change in your mood. If you can’t fully hide it, do it gradually and come up with a secondary reason for the change. Maybe pretend you’re going to the gym and attribute your better disposition to the endorphins. You’re engaging in a pretty athletic activity after all aren’t you?

Mistake #6: Neglecting your primary partner

Any change in behavior is likely to make your primary partner suspicious but changing the way you interact with them will be a huge red flag. It is common, when engaging in an affair, to withdraw from your primary partner both emotionally and physically because your needs are getting met elsewhere. Remember that they have needs that they expect to be met as well. Try to carry on as if it’s business as usual.

Mistake #7: You have the most to lose if the affair is to be found out

Best case scenario, your casual sex partner has more to lose if the affair is found out than you do. Maybe they are married and you are not or they have children and you do not. The person with the most to lose is the least likely to expose the affair when things get rough. Never have an affair with someone who has less to lose than you. Especially if you live in the public eye, you can be exposing yourself to extortion or blackmail if things begin to go south. It’s better to keep yourself protected. 

Mistake #8: Acting defensive

It can be tempting, when confronted with your primary partner’s suspicions about your actions, to act overly defensively. This will only make you appear even more suspect. If you have been emotionally distant do not deny it, your partner sees these as facts that they themselves have observed. By denying them you have already labeled yourself as a liar in their eyes. Try to resolve the situation, and deflect suspicion, by acknowledging their fears/concerns and providing a different cause for the discussion to focus on.

Mistake #9: You get too cocky

Last but not least, just don’t assume that because you haven’t gotten caught yet you will continue in the clear. Many affairs start out carefully managed but get sloppier as the two people engaging in it become too comfortable. You have to be just as careful 6 months in as you should be 6 weeks in, if not more so. As the affair progresses you are bound to slip up every once in a while, it’s unavoidable. If you have attracted too much suspicion do the right thing and end the affair, or at least put a pause on it until you are no longer in hot water.

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